The Poll War (from War Correspondent Gollum)
This is my account of The Great Poll War. I do not wish to personally attack anyone, I'm just writing this for my own amusement. Literally just for the laughs. Enjoy- Gollum p> p> Prologue I was on my GoComics hiatus. I told everyone I would go and read Big Nate: First Class, but I found I was just sick of Big Nate in general. So after about two-three months, I came back. Don't ask me what brought me back, because I'm not entirely sure myself. It felt like coming home after a long holiday. You know how your house has a distinct smell? And when you breathe it in after you've been away for so long, a smile forms on your face, as fond childhood memories come back? It's a nice feeling and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That's what I thought my return to GoComics would be like. But instead, it felt like someone ransacked my house, left garbage everywhere as well as littering a few strategically placed human corpses in my lounge room. Yeah, that's right. When I returned to GoComics, the air was filled with the stench of impending dread. The First Poll On May 23rd,2017, the first poll was typed into GoComics by a user known as Mrs. Godfrey. A name that at the time, was just associated with Nate's sadistic teacher, while today, we know her as the hypocritical, lie-spewing troublemaker of the times of the Poll War. She tried to "keep the peace" and always claimed that she was being attacked while she posted three-four paragraph WHINGE sessions about how she was just trying to help and she was the victim, all while perpetuating the spam and hate. But that's a digression. A bit of information that will not become useful until later in the story. Her first poll began innocently enough: "Poll: what’s everyone favourite comic strip, thank you." -Mrs.Godfrey May 23rd, 2017 The second recorded poll was on June 5th, 2017. Although it was kinda a bad joke, at least it was less annoying than the comment section we had before. After the fifth of June, Mrs. Godfrey seemed to have pissed off... for a little while (either that or she deleted her comments idk I wasn't there). She returned on June 8th, 2017 to make possibly the most retarded poll I've ever read not gonna lie. "Poll- how many bananas have you ate today???" - Mrs. Godfrey, June 8th, 2017. Copycats On June 9th, 2017 after the banana poll, there seemed to be a copycat, following in Mrs. Godfrey's footsteps. A user by the name of "Akshay777". The user made an equally ridiculous poll but at least (well, I hope at least) that Akshay777 was writing the poll like that ON purpose to poke fun at Mrs. Godfrey. Or maybe the user was actually inspired by Mrs. Godfrey and was dead serious, I don't know. You can never tell on the internet. There was another copycat that day named "NathanHain" who posted a comment going on about how he wanted to be "popular like Mrs. Godfrey". Unfortunately for NathanHain, nobody replied to him because apparently nobody cared. I give a shout out to this guy for at least trying to do a poll related to the strip and not about bananas or frickin' toes for God's sake. The next copycat is a very interesting case, mainly because he copied a copycat. Which is a WHOLE new level of pathetic. This was a user named "Chad Applewhite" and the user was adamant that he/she/it/attack helicopter (I don't want to offend anyone so I'm using pronouns that are PC) would become popular by being an annoying little bastard like Mrs. Godfrey. Then, the user has the audacity to reply to his/her/its own comment a record 17 times!!!! Mother of God! Never have I felt more like Will Smith in Men In Black when he says this line. That is how I felt towards Chad Applewhite while I was reading through the comments. June 11th, 2017, along came the user "Comix 'R' Us" (though he went by a different name back then). He instead of doing a poll, did a "survey". This nonsense continued for a long time. So long, that I won't be able to list them all. The big take away from this was that it was getting out of hand. It was spreading, it was growing and it was mutating. The intellectual contagion, set off by Mrs. Godfrey had infected most of the comment section. And like the world after a massive plague, the comment section was never going to be the same. War Breaks Out Comix 'R' Us was just joking when he made this poll, but everyone got mad at him. Poor guy. And that's exactly what he did. Poor bugger was just joking but it was in poor taste. Over the last few days, it was already getting heated in the comments over these stupid polls and this joke poll was the last straw that broke the camel's back. There was public outrage. One user even told Comix 'R' Us to shut up! That's a bit extreme, isn't it? People began to argue and soon they comment section, once peaceful and unified, had broken apart, into two sides. Those who were against the polls (or The Anti-Poll Powers) and the ones who were for the polls (The Pollsters). Here's some irony for you literary folks out there, when the polls began, BiggerNate91 was happy with the puns! Then pretty soon, like not even a week after, he starts to get a bit intolerable of the polls. What a difference six days makes am I right? Sheesh! Note that the user "JP Puzzlewhiz" says: "They're harmless. Don't like 'em? Scroll pass 'em." - JP Puzzlewhiz, June 15th, 2017. The comment section has another addition to the belligerents! Introducing, the Old People Who Don't Quite Know How Comment Sections Work. ...That like puns as well. Keep a look out for these guys. There was nothing but puns and polls for the next few months, though the puns disappeared faster. Gollum's Entry Into The War I sat in my cave, sipping my peppermint tea, as I pondered what could be going on in Big Nate now. Maybe Lincoln Peirce finally wrote an interesting storyline. Besides, I had left during the Daisy storyline (God was that a waste of everybody's time). I was ready to give Big Nate a second try. After all, I was gone since late March and two and a half months already passed. I put my mug down and signed into GoComics. It was June 16th 2017 and I read the comic for the day. It wasn't that bad, I'll be honest (though it was to go downhill soon). I checked the comment section and- "Daily poll: Who's a zombie and who's a human? (Be nice please!)." -Comix 'R' Us, June 16th, 2017. I, I, I, I can't even FATHOM what was going through this child's head when he wrote that poll! I mean, last time I checked, there wasn't any of the undead on GoComics! This received an understandable amount of backlash as many commenters were already upset over the amount of spam comments! I decided that my first comment back would be one joking about it. "Poll: On a scale of 1-10, how annoying do you find the Big Nate comment section now that it has turned into a spamming ground?" -Gollum, June 16th, 2017. That comment was featured and got 27 replies (legitimate replies not Mrs. Godfrey featured comment logic where she replies to her own comment like forty times). That's right people. Gollum was back. He immediately joined the fight and defended the comment section's integrity. After that, the comment section was up in arms. Clashing ideals and egos set the fuse ablaze and the bomb was going to go off any minute now, as I was just about to find out. The War Continues June 17th, 2017 and the featured comment of the day was from Comix ‘R’ Us: “Daily Poll: Who’s your favourite star on Nick?” -Comix ‘R’ Us June 17th, 2017 People still watch Nick? God I feel old. That comment received 29 replies. The user “Francis Butthurst Pope” did a strip related poll: “Poll: Which teacher is better: Coach Calhoun or Mr. Rosa?” -Francis Butthurst Pope June 17th, 2017 His comment received only 15 replies (though might I add most of the replies to Comix ‘R’ Us were people complaining). The user “SouthWoodPark56 “did a strip related poll: “Poll: witch of Nate’s girlfriends did you like the most (Angie or Kelly or Trudy or if you have read the novels Ruby)” -SouthWoodPark56 June 17th, 2017 He/she/it received 10 replies. And the last poll of the day was from a user named “Peaceful Trees”: “Poll: Why is everyone creating lame polls?” -Peaceful Trees June 17th, 2017 It had three replies two of which agreed with him and one from the user “JohnathonWG”. The Big Nate comment section resident grump. "Look in the mirror, please. Flagged." -JohnathonWG June 17th, 2017 Peaceful Trees made a joke that was opinion laced, and JohnathonWG flagged that bastard. Yeah you show him JohnathonWG! In all seriousness, I do feel bad for Peaceful Trees because he/she/it had an excellent point. #justiceforpeacfultrees. There were a few more intelligent comments below Peaceful Trees, but one in particular really stands out for me: “yea but randy is weird and lame and idiotic” -S137830 June 17th, 2017 The Big Nate comments never cease to amaze me. June 18th, 2017, the polls started to get a bit off topic. I mean it started promising, with a semi strip related poll from HeyIt’sConnor1236: “Poll: Comic strips or books?” -HeyIt’sConnor1236 June 18th, 2017 Again, I said SEMI related poll. Followed by one from Francis Butthurst Pope: “poll: who is your favorite super hero team? mine is the Teen Titans” -Francis Butthurst Pope June 18th, 2017 This comment received 9 replies including JohnathonWG explaining why he doesn’t like Teen Titans GO. (Which I can wholeheartedly agree with, I grew up with the original Teen Titans and TTG just took a massive dump on it).There was a poll from user “BigNateFan” similar to Peaceful Trees’ comment from the day before: “Poll: Who thinks that the comments of the big nate section is becoming really off-topic. Btw this is serious” -BigNateFan That received 10 replies that were surprisingly supportive from many commenters including the Big Nate Comment Section Wiki’s very own Trapper Clicker. It is explained here by Comix ‘R’ Us himself that he deleted his polls because he got mean replies (which confirms that I am not losing my mind. lol I was like, “I swear that there were more polls.”). BiggerNate91 was like screw it and did a poll as well, succumbing to the poll mentality: “You know what? Screw it all. Poll: What’s you’re favorite prank day moment?” -BiggerNate91 June 18th, 2017 He says with poor grammar. Whatever, at least he did a strip related poll. In my opinion it was getting out of hand, there were too many polls and not enough opinion comments. Even formerly noble commenters such as BiggerNate91 had fallen victim to Pollio. I’ll see myself out. June 19th, 2017 there was a revelation. Comix ‘R’ Us announced that he had recovered from Pollio! “Hey guys I’m sorry for the stupid polls I’ve been posting. To make it up to u I want to show you my blog. It’s comixrusposts.weebly.com. Hit Menu and then slides. Also I got a new profile pic!” -Comix ‘R’ Us June 19th, 2017 Mrs. Godfrey decided to do a poll by not saying it’s a poll by saying: “Hey everyone… I’m sorry about all the polls… I am stopping now but I might not… can u tell me if you like the polls or not.” -Mrs. Godfrey June 19th, 2017 Bit ambiguous don’t you think? O_o She originally received 48 replies and the majority of them were other people arguing over the polls. The pollio had gotten to their heads. Mrs. Godfrey also decided to reply to her own comment a record 7 times to get it featured (annoying many people). The users “Mahamedb123”, “ComedyMe” and “Josh Lyons” argued with each other and somehow, if memory serves, one of them got so upset that they said something like “Where you born on a highway because you were and accident. #savage XD”. -Unknown User June 19th, 2017 I have high hopes for this generation. Days passed. BiggerNate91, on June 26, 2017, went on his own hiatus like I did, saying that he wasn't going to comment for a while. It was short-lived, however, as various comments the next few days brought him back. The Climax Fierce fighting/arguing/finger pointing continued for the next two months. Many innocent brain cells were murdered and it seemed like it was never going to end. People complained and victimized themselves to get featured comment and the cycle continued. It seemed like nothing would change. Suddenly, on August 4th, 2017 a user by the name of "Heatman84" spammed the Big Nate comment section so much that everyone, and I mean everyone pitched in and flagged the living crap out of Heatman84. And you know what? It actually worked. The comment section rejoiced! Perhaps it could work. Perhaps we could comment together in harmony. Mrs. Godfrey instead, decided to take matters into her own hands (with her heart in the right place nevertheless). She decided to create the Big Nate Spam Police. An organization that was, tbh, kinda pointless, as it had no point because people could just flag a comment by themselves. She instead wrote paragraph long comments trying to recruit people. I swear, as someone who was there it was like the Gestapo o_O. Soon, for the next three days, the comment section and the featured comment were full of useless, paragraph long rants against spam. Funnily enough, there was no spam. The Spam Police created spam about spam. That is a talent. Soon, on August 5th, 2017, the comment section was a mess again and BiggerNate91 threatened not only to leave again, but abolish the comment section for good. He had already written to GoComics and it was too late. Mrs. Godfrey had gone on another whiny rant about spam and the integrity of the comment section and I made myself look like fool by not reading the comic properly. Everything was going down the drains. This continued for another few days as everyone brought their big guns out. It was a bloodbath of brain cells and many arguments were had. I shook my head. This was never going to end was it? If it did end it would probably end with no comment section on Big Nate and once they removed the comment ability from Big Nate, who knew what they'd do next. I closed my laptop and went to sleep. Hoping for a better tomorrow. The End Of The Poll War One day, it all stopped. As if we all thought simultaneously, "this has got to end". And so it did. August 9th, 2017 was the historic day. We all lay down our weapons and relaxed. We enjoyed the strip and swapped intelligent opinions and ideas. The comment section was in harmony. We learned a valuable lesson. The Poll War To End All Poll Wars was a costly exercise and a rollercoaster of emotional hardship and clashing ideals. Though at the end of it, good had prevailed in the comment section and it was restored to its former glory for the next generation of commenters to enjoy. And when the next commenters go back and read our comments from June 15th 2017 to August 9th 2017, they will know.. ...their spam free comment section was earnt by their fore commenters. This is war correspondent Gollum, signing off. The Aftermath The Belligerents Sides were being taken early on. As I mentioned before, there were about three sides in June 2017. Toward the end of the war, there were two sides: The Sane People and The Butthurt Whiners. As of August 7th, 2017 the sides looked something like this: The Sane People * Trapper Clicker * Comix 'R' Us * JonathonWG (he IS on our side after all, despite being an uptight guy who can't take a joke) * ItzNateBOI (he may be annoying but he has some good points) * BigNateFan * Tue Elung Jensen * Lhenn * Jimmer Fredette * Turtwing * LittlePiggyOink * Gollum * Rayantarar * Limited Trappist ( Was not singed on at time of the earlier battles but had been overviewing the war from far away) * 0a1s2d3f4g5h The Butthurt Whiners * OPYoshi * BiggerNate91 (The formally noble commenter who began to complain too much) * 1004Mike * Dee Dee Dorcas Holloway (New and old) * Sartaj Bedi * Mrs. Godfrey ( Changed her name to Mr.Rosa ) All Recorded Polls Here is a list of all the polls recorded during the poll war. This also includes the complaints that start with "Poll". Deleted Comments Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell the tale of The Great Poll War in its full glory due to the abundance of deleted comments. Many were deleted because of embarrassment as they tried to rewrite the history books before they were even written! Some were deleted by GoComics and others just seemed to disappear. One notable shadow banned user was ComedyMe. He was responsible for starting many arguments in the comment section in the earlier days of the Poll War. He has since disappeared, never to be seen again. The Poll War Returns (By 10/10) As of November 15th 2017 the Poll War Part 2 started. It started with MartySays, (who later changed his name to EllenSays) with a poll, I can't even believe went through some poor child's mind. "Have you ever had a life wither away?" WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S SO DARK! (Although, I cannot remember the exact wording, but that was close, I believe. please feel free to correct me.) "Poor Martysays." I thought, thinking it was some little kid who thought it matched the strip. I thought this, not realizing, it was not just any little kid. No. It was a TROLL. There were mixed results. Some said he should not have done the poll. Others said it was fine and we were all overreacting. How foolish those people were. A few days later he returned as EllenSays with another ridiculous poll I can't remember. (Someone please fill that in if they can). This, again, brought some more mixed replies. THEN, on the 20th of November 2017, this comment changed everything: "Everyone, Ellensays has admitted to trying to seem the featured comment through spam. Just check his poll yesterday for confirmation and read the last replies. Also, he has all but confirmed he is using his second account “boosted” to try and get featured comment. This kind of spam won’t be tolerated. Just please silently flag his post, as he won’t listen to reason. Don’t reply to him, don’t rant as I just did about him. Ignore, flag, and soon he will go away. We must preserve the sanity of the comment section." -0A1S2D3F4G5H, November 20th, 2017 This brought a record of over 100 Replies. Most of which, were EllenSays and Boosted responding. Everyone, of course, knew Boosted was EllenSays. How pathetic. Trying to get the featured comment on a comic strip. Listen up. YOU are not the star of the show. THE COMIC is. so sit your @$$ down. This dragged on for the whole day of EllenSays saying stuff like "YOU CAN FLAG ME BUT THAT WON'T WORK." Joke's on her. It did. The very next day, she disappeared and it was like she was never there.